Not Scared
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: They said I couldn't do it. That I wouldn't. A bet was made. Five nights in a pizzeria with no powers and I'm not allowed to leave. Five nights in hell with a bunch of crazy animatronic animals. I'm not scared of course. Nope! Not scared! Not at all! Part of the Not Going Home Series! No particular pairing really, unless ya'll want one.
1. It Begins

**A/N: I return! Funny story today, somebody tried to hit me with a car. So, as part of the Not Going Home stories, which includes, I might add, Not Going Home, Not looking Back, Devour, Clever Girl and the like. Someone told me to try and play the game Five Night at Freddy's and...EEP. I've only played the first one thus far and haven't been able to beat it yet-CURSE YOU NIGHT FOUR!-but I'd also thought of something while I was cowering behind my computer in abject terror.**

 **What's better than being scared?**

 **...reading as someone ELSE gets the shit scared out of em, that's what! And thus, an idea was born!**

 **Now, I am proud to present the newest standalone edition to the Not Going Home series. Remember, each story is one in and of its own, which means any hints of things you see here may/or may not happen in other stories, events could or couldn't occur. But YES, it is more closely affiliated with the first "Not Going Home" as a whole than the others. So, without further stalling, I proudly present to you...**

 **...Not Scared! Yup, title's totally ironic...its meant to be short, terrifying for our favorite blond, and utterly funny.**

 _"Alright you little fuckers..._

 _~?_

 **It Begins**

 _Five Nights at Freddy's._

 _I'm an undertaking this supposedly monumental challenge on a dare._

 _Natasha swore up and down that I didn't have the guts to do it. Wanda called me foolish, stupid, and a few other words that didn't translate quite properly. She-Hulk tossed me through a wall and I'm STILL finding claw marks after Cat's reaction to my latest stunt._

 _Ultron just laughed when I told him about it; pretty sure the bastard enjoys seeing me suffer ever since I slapped that restraining bolt on his ass back in the states._

 _Shows what they know!_

 _They told me it would be scary. Said I would be crying by night five. I laughed at them. Reality-hopping-god, remember? I fear nothing! It is I who create the fear! I've butchered the flying dutchman, wrestled with the great Davy Jones himself and chopped off his squiddy head. I've stared Death herself in the face and done...things to her._

 _But this, this is new._

 _No powers, no reality warping beyond the occasional respawn, just me, a security guard, in a video game. The prize, you ask? Of course there's one! Why else would I risk life and limb?!_

 _Bragging rights._

 _ALL THE BRAGGING RIGHTS._

 _And Tony...MAY have promised to build me that instant ramen suit I've always wanted. Bruce also promised me he'd share his secret cookie recipe. Don't look at me like that!_ _How could I say no?! I'm weak! Of course, if I lose...eh...I'd rather not talk about. Pretty sure I can do this. All I have to do is last for five nights without giving up. Easy-right? Thor told me its alright to be scared. Now look, you know I'm in the dark when Point Break has played this game and I haven't._

 _Of course, I'm going INSIDE the very universe of the game, so the stakes are a little higher, I suppose. Just can't rage quit._

 _Still..._

 _...not using my powers..._

 _...how bad could it be?_

* * *

"Soooo...this is pretty easy."

Naruto-turtled up in the security office with both doors closed-raised the screen up before his face and grinned as he gazed at the camera screen. "You're there...creepy bunny...creepy bird...creepy bear...ha! This is a piece of cake!" Wholly unfazed, he leaned back in his chair, trying his best to ignore the scent of stale pizza as the message droned at him. For the most part he paid it no heed, trying his utmost to focus on each of the screens in turn. Rules, bah! Who needed 'em! What need have he of that?!

 _"...bite of eighty-seven..."_

"Wait, bite?" he looked up, stiffening. "WHAT BITE?! Why wasn't I informed of this?!"

 _"Anyhow, I'm sure you'll be fine. Well, goodnight!"_

There was a silence as the voice clicked off.

"Fuck."

Only an hour in and nothing had happened. He felt the digital breeze upon his face as if it were actually there, which he supposed it was. It never even occurred to him to glance at the remaining power at first, but when he did, his stomach sank. The power bar was nowhere near where it had once been, and even as he looked on, it continued to shrink. Numbers ticked down, openly mocking him with each passing second.

 _Fifty percent._

"Oh, crap. Eh, its fine, I'm sure I'll be fine. Yeah-oh." The scene that awaited him on the screen had his heart plummeting to the floor with his stomach.

 _They were gone._

And somehow, that damned bear was looking right at him through the camera.

 _Its me._

Words flashed in his mind.

 _ME._

Wordless gibberish followed.

... _aaaaaand_ they're not there. Aaaaand he's looking at me. Alright, calm down." he turned, scanning the leftmost door, reaching for the light switch. "You expected this, its supposed to happen, you'll be fine, just fine, completely and absolutely-JESUS! IT CAN TELEPORT! ITS A NIGHTCRAWLER!" His hand slammed down on the door button as Bonnie's gin face greeted him. "Nope nope nope nope! The bunny wants my giblets! Can't have them! They're mine! Mine, do you hear me?! MIIIIIIIIIIIINE!"

He recognized his own rant moments later, that he was screaming at a closed steel door. Tentatively probing the light, he saw the bunny's grinning face peering back at him. Evil creature! Foul creature! But he couldn't get through the door! Ha! Technology trumps monster!

"J-Just breathe." a hand rose, wiping a bead of sweat from his brow. "In. Out. In. Ouuuut. Its fine, you've got three hours to go now. You're good. Ain't nothin' gonna scare ya." Willing himself to turn, he spun the chair away from the grinning animatronic. " Mister Crazy bun bun's not getting through the door and now. So lets just check, gotta watch for the -ASSHOLE!"

Blue eyes bugged out when the grinning beast was still there to greet him when he opened the door, trying to stick its head. He palmed the button so hard he nearly broke it. The satisfying crunch was rather satisfying, he thought, watched the bastard bunny's head bounce away.

"Its wabbit season, mother fucker!" Tumbling past his foot, he gave the disembodied head a good hard kick, watching it sail out of the opposite door and into the darkness. "Bahahaha! Take that! My power is maximum! All your base belong to...to...

 _Peck._

Naruto froze as a harsh, tapping sound reached his ears.

 _Peck._

Slowly, with agonizing care, he turned. Faced the other door. Another figure stood within, holding Bonnie's broken head in its wings. Crap. Its emotionless face somehow managed to convey a supreme sense of menace, as he looked at her, unable to move in spite of himself. He really hadn't _meant_ to kill the annoying bunny, but he hadn't regretted it. He realized his exuberance all too late, just as he recognized the bright yellow figure-being-staring right at him.

 _Peck._

 _Chica._

"DON'T WANT! DON'T WANT! DO! NOT! WANT!"

He flung himself at the door switch-

Too slow.

 _Peck._

 _Peck._

 ** _PECK._**

Naruto looked up...

 _Peck._

...and the little bugger was staring right at him. He could've sworn he saw her grin. An eye twitched, murderously. Those blank eyes regarded him a moment longer, dread mounting.

"Fuck all kinds of du-!"

He was promptly pecked to death within minutes.

 **A/N: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I died writing this! DIED! It was just too easy to see Naruto spazzing out in an unfamiliar environment, let alone writing it. To clarify, he's sworn not to use his abilities in this iteration, if only to make things more interesting...and funny as hell.**

 **So...in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review Would you Kindly-GAFLFAARGH. Damnit. STUPID FOX!**

 **(Preview)**

 _'Do not blink do not blink whatever you do, in the name of ME do not blink...!'_

 _Naruto stared at Foxy._

 _Foxy stared back._

 _Naruto gulped._

 _"Hey buddy...you...you're going to bite me, aren't you."_

 _His eyes chose that moment to blink._

 _Grinning, Foxy pounced!_

 _YOINK!_

 _With a bloodcurdling yelp, Naruto took off running._

 _"DAMNIT!"_

 **The hilarity continues!**

 **R &R~! =D**


	2. Best Served Cold

**A/N: I return! Funny story today, somebody tried to hit me with a car. So, as part of the Not Going Home stories, which includes, I might add, Not Going Home, Not looking Back, Devour, Clever Girl and the like. Someone told me to try and play the game Five Night at Freddy's and...EEP. I've only played the first one thus far and haven't been able to beat it yet-CURSE YOU NIGHT FOUR!-but I'd also thought of something while I was cowering behind my computer in abject terror.**

 **What's better than being scared?**

 **...reading as someone ELSE gets the shit scared out of em, that's what! And thus, an idea was born!**

 **Now, I am proud to present the newest standalone edition to the Not Going Home series. Remember, each story is one in and of its own, which means any hints of things you see here may/or may not happen in other stories, events could or couldn't occur. But YES, it is more closely affiliated with the first "Not Going Home" as a whole than the others. So, without further stalling, I proudly present to you...**

 **...Not Scared! Yup, title's totally ironic...its meant to be short, terrifying for our favorite blond, and utterly funny.**

 _"Alright you little fuckers...quack. Quack."_

 _~?_

 **Best Served Cold**

 _VENGEANCE._

 _That is all I have to say._

 _In the last twenty-four hours I have been pecked, mauled, beaten, and stuffed inside a suite filled with wires and spring traps and the like. Pain pain pain PAIN. Ouch ouch ouch. It doesn't matter how many times that I "respawn" as it were, its still no better than the last. I don't like being the hunted, the prey, no no no no, not at all. Those little bastards have inflicted humiliation after humiliation upon me._

 _Everything short of bitten, really, and I am NOT happy about any of it._

 _I was TRICKED into taking this bet, but I was the one who decided to take it a step further and go to the ACTUAL universe, recording the whole thing for posterity. I may h ave made my bed, yet I'm prepared to lie in it regardless. Nobody said I couldn't improvise, after all. No one said I had to STAY in the guard booth. Did they? Nope, don't recall hearing that._

 _Hehehehehehe...vengeance...Freddy...vengeance..._

 _Think they can scare me, do they?! Peck me to pieces and laugh, eh?! Wrong! I will have my recompense!_

 _REVENGE-_

* * *

 _-WILL BE MINE!"_

Uzumaki Naruto had killed _worlds_ with that voice.

Legion upon legions of soldiers were atomized moments after hearing those words. Kratos of Sparta _-once the very God of War himself!-_ had ceded the field when faced with such menace. A universe had been obliterated down to its base code by that. Single. Sentence. Such was the sheer malevolence wrapped deep within those words, the promise of deep-seated, unbearable pain.

Today, his target was of a smaller, but by no means less dangerous-scale.

He'd sworn not to use his powers for the next five-four now-days but he'd never said anything about his _mind_ , had he?

"Yes...yes...BAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Eons of existence had been spent studying in almost every field imaginable and, as luck would have it, one of those fields happened to be mechanical engineering _._ Without almighty powers and godhood he might be, but he was _never_ without his brain. And with it, the massive amounts of knowledge he'd amassed over a very lengthy career of screwing with people.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold. And it was. Naruto planned to administer cold, frigid, merciless violence to the animatronics-one by one. Messing with Freddy and friends up close probably wasn't particularly wise, but he'd never been known for his wisdom. Violence? That was another story. Beautiful...gratuitous violence...

The moment he made it through that first, awful night, he went to work...

...laughing all the while.

* * *

 _"What is he doing?"_

Freddy frowned as the harsh sounds of hammer meeting wood continued to emanate from the office. If one listened hard enough, they could hear the occasional mad giggle. It was...rather unnerving, really. But since it was Sunday he couldn't well leave the stage now, could he? Sadly, that did nothing to answer his many, many, _maaaaaaaany_ questions; what was this new night guard up to, where had he come from, and why, was he laughing like satan himself?

"He be scavenging, that's what!" Foxy shouted from down the hall. "I caught him picking supplies out of me cove! He even stole me hook!"

"You come out of that cove again without my permission, I'll whoop you so hard you won't be able to tell down from up."

"BUT HE TOOK ME HOOK!"

"Why is mister night guard being so mean?" Chica pouted, her expression puzzled. "We just want to play with him. And eat Pizza!"

"Aye lass, what _is_ it with you and pizza?"

"Shut up, Foxy!" Bonnie groaned, rubbing at his severed arm. "Pizza's the best!"

Freddy facepalmed. _'The things I put up with for family..._

"He hurt Bonnie; you know what to do."

"Aye, I'll scare 'im good and bite off his brain!"

"No biting." Ah but little did they know...

...there would be much biting this night.

 _They had no idea what they'd unleashed._

* * *

Mad laughter continued to emanate from the guard's office well into the night and evening as his shift neared.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHA! I did it!"

Nuts and bolts and nails and screwdrivers, pieces of string, hammers and knives, broken plates, utensils, and _pleeenty_ of sharp, _pointy things all_ he scavenged them all and went to work with these, cackling madly all the while. With nothing but inert animatronics to watch him, he barricaded both door and window alike, then went to work. He knew they'd probably tear down such things of course, but he was fully prepared for that one at least.

The barricades were simply a way of keeping them from seeing his handiwork until it was too late.

Nothing was spared, not even the fan on his desk; it too was soon dismantled, the metal blade spirited away into one of his many trips. Mines, tripwires, bazookas and gats and grenades. It was amazing what you could make with a little bit of ingenuity these days. He'd even concocted a nasty little surprise back in the kitchen.

Natasha would've been proud of what he'd managed to make in only twelve hours.

Surveying his handiwork, Naruto nodded happily to himself.

"Alright my pretties, lets get you set up...

* * *

 _(Second night...)_

 _Briiiiing_!

 _"Hello? Hello? Oh, hi, just wanted to-_

"Nope."

 _Beep._

"Alright, round two." When the call came this time he promptly muted it-the last thing he needed was yet another distraction-settled down and, invention in hand, prepared himself for the onslaught. It wasn't long at all before Freddy and his friends started moving on the cameras. But tonight, on this night of nights, they'd made one mistake.

They'd pissed him off.

Whistling softly he

He didn't even try to close the door when a newly repaired Bonnie thrust his head in.

"GAAAAAAAAAAA-

Click.

-Ah?"

It looked down just in time to see the mine. Which was beeping red. Which, in case you hadn't guessed, he'd stepped on. Click. Bonnie looked up again, glowering bloody red daggers at the cheeky guard. Naruto waved back before diving behind a ramschackle barrier of wood and metal, grinning all the while.

"ITS WABBIT SEASON AGAIN MOTHERFUCKER!"

 _BA-KRANG!_

* * *

 _ **THIS WAY TO PIZZA!**_

Chica stared at the signage, blinking.

Tilting her head she saw many such signs, each with an arrow, pointing toward the kitchen. Curious as a chick, she followed them, led by the red-and-white lettering without so much as a care-or-a-thought in the world; not even the least of worries. She wasn't even a tad suspicious about it. all she cared about was...

"Pizza?"

There was no pizza in the kitchen.

"Piiiiiizza?"

She never noticed the tripwire, never heard the switch flip, never saw the metal arm swinging down to strike a match against the stove. And of course, lacking a nose, she never smelled the massive amounts of gas that a certain blond had opened into the room only an hour before. Never heard the door slam shut behind her.

But she did see-feel!-the giant orange fireball that engulfed her, feathers and all.

And with all that gas...

 _THOOM._

Poor Chica.

She just...

...wanted...

 _...pizzaaaaaa..._

* * *

Freddy twitched.

 _"Getting reaaaaaally tired of your shit, mister guard."_

That was all he could think to do, really, as he glowered at the charred remains of his family. Chica, still twitching haphazardly on the floor. Bonnie, his furry body savaged by sharpened shards of shrapnel. That vicious little human! How dare he do this to them, when they only wanted to play! Well, that did it! No more mister nice bear! He wanted a war? Well, he'd darn tootin' get one!

 _Clobbering_ time.

Turning a baleful eye towards the camera, he raised a hand and made a silent fist, snapping off a one-fingered salute.

"Come and get me, fuzzy!" came the shouted reply.

 _"I'll whoop your ass!"_

Glowering, Freddy made to do just that, stepping down off the stage-

-and onto a pressure plate.

His smile promptly turned upside down as a moldy pizza pie splatted him in the face. Rotten cheese slicked down his scowling face, pieces of pepperoni sticking to his fur.

 _"You little?!"_

He took another step-

Then all hell broke loose;

 _"WHAT IN BLAZES BE THIS?!"_ The air was suddenly filled with flying knives and forks and _grenades_ of all things-though he had no idea where he'd gotten those or how he'd built them-launched from an unseen cannon in the ceiling, confetti rained down around him, blinding him, until-

 _Twang._

A whirring fan blade landed with a solid _thunk_ in his right eye.

 _"Aaargh! You think this'll stop me, boy?!"_

"Quack, quack, motherfucker!"

A muffled explosion sounded overhead in answer, showering him in debris.

 _"What in the **-oh no."**_

The ceiling beam descended mercilessly, crushing his torso.

Somewhere in the distance, over the mangled sparking of his body, he heard laughter.

* * *

"Kill. Murder. Destroy. Definistrate! Exterminate! EXTERMINAAAAAAATE!"

Naruto cackled madly as he beheld the destruction over the cameras, grinning at the ruined remnants of his victims. "Serves you right for messing with me! Wait." Frowning, he peered down and at the screen before his eyes. "One...two...three...where's the kurama knockoff?"

Tap.

A hook touched his shoulder.

Wait.

A hook?

Hadn't he taken that from...

"Eh?" Naruto turned, eye twitching. "Whaddya want? Can't ya see I'm trying to...to..to...

 _"Ahoy, matey."_

 **"Fuck."**

Foxy grinned back at him.

Missed one.

 _'Do not blink do not blink whatever you do, in the name of ME do not blink...!'_

Naruto stared at the furry red devil and gulped.

Foxy stared back.

Naruto gulped quietly.

"Hey buddy...you...you're going to bite me, aren't you."

His eyes chose that moment to betray him and blink.

Grinning, Foxy pounced!

 _YOINK!_

With a bloodcurdling yelp, Naruto took off running.

 _"DAMNIT!"_

 _I_ **A/N: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I died writing this! DIED! It was just too easy to see Naruto spazzing out in an unfamiliar environment, let alone writing it. To clarify, he's sworn not to use his abilities in this iteration, if only to make things more interesting...and funny as hell. But rest assured, once those five nights are up...THAR WILL BE A RECKONING THAT MAKES THIS LOOK PALE BY COMPARISON!**

 **So...in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review Would you Kindly-GAFLFAARGH. Damnit. DARN YOU CHICA!**

 **(Preview)**

 _"No."_

 _Chica tilted her head. "Pizza?"_

 _"No." Naruto repeated with a growl_

 _"Pizza?"_

 _"I swear to god, you say Pizza one more time, and I'm turning you human when I get my powers back."_

 _"PI-_

 _Naruto promptly slammed the door in her face._

 _"NOPE."_

 _That was when he saw it._

 _"ITS ME."_

 _Golden Freddy._

 _Of course there would be a golden Freddy._

 _"Oh, for the love of-_

 **The hilarity continues!**

 **R &R~! =D**


	3. Pirate

**A/N: I return! Funny story today, somebody tried to hit me with a car. So, as part of the Not Going Home stories, which includes, I might add, Not Going Home, Not looking Back, Devour, Clever Girl and the like. Someone told me to try and play the game Five Night at Freddy's and...EEP. I've only played the first one thus far and haven't been able to beat it yet-CURSE YOU NIGHT FOUR!-but I'd also thought of something while I was cowering behind my computer in abject terror.**

 **What's better than being scared?**

 **...reading as someone ELSE gets the shit scared out of em, that's what! And thus, an idea was born!**

 **Now, I am proud to present the newest standalone edition to the Not Going Home series. Remember, each story is one in and of its own, which means any hints of things you see here may/or may not happen in other stories, events could or couldn't occur. But YES, it is more closely affiliated with the first "Not Going Home" as a whole than the others. So, without further stalling, I proudly present to you...**

 **...Not Scared! Yup, title's totally ironic...its meant to be short, terrifying for our favorite blond, and utterly funny. You thought the last chapter was good?**

 **PREPARE THYSELF FOR THIS!**

 _"Fight fire with fire, evil with evil...and pirate with pirate!"_

 _~?_

 **Pirate**

 _BITING IS BAD!_

 _That is all I have to say on the matter._

 _Teeth chewing, gnawing, grabbing, clawing!_

 _AAAAARGH!_

 _Somehow, I managed to crawl my way through that awful second night with only the loss of a few vital organs to make it to the next night. In short, I died. Like a duck. Yup, dead duck here, quack quack motherfucker and all that. Worse, I don't have anymore supplies! I used them all blasting Freddy and his friends to bits! Suuuuuure I respawn, but my tools don't! Not fair! Not at all! Damn youuuuuuu Foxy! Damn you and your foul foxy hook and swarthy salty sea accent!_

 _Now, I know what you're thinking; Naruto, why don't you just go OUTSIDE and forage for stuff? It can't be that hard!_

 _I! BLOODY! CAN'T!_

 _I'm still trapped in this restaurant world, and if I leave it to get supplies, even to step out of this pizzeria, I forfeit the contest. The only place left is the...gulp...spare parts room. Nope nope nope NOPE! With extra nope nope nope HELL TO THE NOPE! All I have left is a stupid-a-speaker and some wiring! The hell am I going to do with that..._

 _And...toooo...too many...two more nights...so what the hell am I going to do about this pirate bastard unless-_

 _Oh._

 _Ohhhhhhhh._

 _EhehehehehehehahahahahahAHAHHAHAHAHA!_

 _Well then, mister foxy hook! You wanna play pirate?_

 _TWO can play at that game!_

* * *

 _"Yar har fiddle dee-dee..._

"Yar?"

Foxy jerked upright with a start as a distant melody reached his rusted ears. It was faint and distant, almost a whisper in the blackness. What was that trickster up to this time? Warily, he parted the curtain of the cove with his hook, bracing himself for any tricks or traps. The new night guard was a wily one, and he had no intention of being caught off guard again. Still, that distant, almost faint voice called to him, little more than an annoying whisper in the darkness.

 _"Do what you like cuz a pirate is free..._

"Ahoy!" scowling, the battered animatronic called out, "Who be that?!"

But the moment he dared poke his head out from behind the curtain-

 _"YOU ARE A PIRATE~!"_

An even more battered version of himself grinned back at him from the mirror! Wearing a hat! A pirate hat!

 _ **"YAAAAARGH!"**_

With a bloodcurdling scream capable of waking the dead, Foxy flopped out of his precious pirate cove, yelping and covering his ears, struggling to stifle the sudden, abrupt surge of noise. What was that infernal sound?! Where was it coming from?! Who what when where WHYYYYY?! Why did it have to be that song?! Make it stoooooop!

"WHAT BE THIS?!"

Stumbling upright, he clutched at his audio receptors but to no avail; the infernal sound heard it from everywhere! The speakers, the floors, the ceiling! He couldn't blot it out! That silly, infernal song continued to blare at him an endless animal bleat, refusing to let him be!

It was everywhere!

Argh, it must be that hook-stealing thief again!

"NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT GUUUUUUAAAAAAAARD!"

With a terrible cry he sprinted out of the cove, racing down the tattered halls, making for the door with maddened speed and fresh purpose. He'd skewer him! Impale the little rapscallion on his hook if he didn't close his door int time. Those words soon proved prophetic enough howver, as the door slammed right in his face-almost as if the little bastard had been expecting him. He could see him fiddling wires and a pair of speakers back in the corner. AHA! So he _was_ to blame after all!

"AVAST YE, NIGHT GUARD!" He roared, pounding on the door! "I'M GOING TO KICK YER ASS!"

The guard grinned trollishly behind the window.

 _"Tu eres un pirata?"_

"Cease yer spanish gibberish! Open this door! I'll gouge yer eyes out!"

"I very much doubt that." came the mirthful reply. "I've still got seventy-percent power and we're already at four in the morning! I can do this all night! Can you?" Cackling, he pressed another button.

 _"You are a pirate~!_

"Aaargh!" Foxy groaned. "Get that noise out of me cove, now!"

The ninja's head tilted in response, grinning.

"On one condition."

"CONDITION?!"

Back in the cove, the volume increased.

 _"YOU ARE A-_

"Fine, fine! I'll do anything, lad! Just make it stop!"

Impossibly, that impish grin grew.

 _...anything?"_

* * *

It was quiet.

Much too quiet.

Freddy didn't like the quiet.

He hadn't heard any screams of terror for the last hour now since the speakers in pirate cove started blaring, and that perturbed him greatly. Foxy had vanished back into the cove after yet another failed attempt to get at the guard inside. Bonnie wasn't going anywhere _near_ the door after being nearly dismantled by yesterday's mine, and Chica was being...well...Chica. Hell, he himself was wary of going after the night guard after that last surprise attack.

But there was one furry friend Naruto had yet to meet during the last three nights, an entity even he dreaded dealing with...

Warily padding down the hall, he'd reluctantly resigned himself to loosing said creature. All one could do was open the door and pray to God he went after the Night Guard instead of everyone else. It was at that very moment however, just when he beheld one of his own.

"Oh, there you are Foxy-

"SABOTAGE!"

That was the last thing he heard before the fox smacked him over the head with a stool.

* * *

Naruto grinned down at the camera, cackling.

"One down!"

* * *

"FOXY WHAT THE HELL?!"

 ** _"FOR ME COVE!"_**

With a battle cry renowned the world over, the red fox pounced and tore Bonnie's limbs off like a mad animal.

* * *

"TWO!" Naruto crowed!

"Pizza?"

"PIZZA! Wait, what?"

Eye twitching, he spun in his chair, facing the door. A yellow chicken stared back at him.

Ah, hell!

"No," his finger twitched toward the door button. "No no no no."

Chica tilted her head. "Pizza?"

"No." Naruto repeated with a growl. "Go away! Shoo! Can't ya see I'm busy here?"

"Pizza?"

"Chica, I swear to god, you say Pizza one more time, and I'm turning you human when I get my powers back."

"PI-

Naruto promptly slammed the door in her face.

"NOPE."

That was when he saw it.

"No no no no nononononono! C'mon, c'mon! Six! Six o'clock! SIX!"

Like a series of flickering images burned into the back of his brain, a cascading sea of noises he'd never heard before. The screen flickered in his hands, every camera going black. Crap. His eyes swung to the clock, now nearing six. Sooooo very close, yet oh so far, and when they looked back-

 _ **"ITS ME."**_

Golden Freddy.

Of course there would be a golden Freddy.

"Oh, for the love of-

 _ **"BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"**_

And so ended night four.

 _I_ **A/N: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I died writing this! DIED! It was just too easy to see Naruto spazzing out in an unfamiliar environment, let alone writing it. To clarify, he's sworn not to use his abilities in this iteration, if only to make things more interesting...and funny as hell. But rest assured, once those five nights are up...THAR WILL BE A RECKONING THAT MAKES THIS LOOK PALE BY COMPARISON!**

 **So...in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review Would you Kindly-GAFLFAARGH. Damnit. DARN YOU CHICA! Now, get ready...**

 **...for Naruto's night!**

 **(Preview)**

 _DING._

 _Chica froze, mere inches from pecking his eyes out_

 _Six. A.M._

 _The final night was over._

 _"EhehehehehehahahahahahaHAHAAHAHAHA!"_

 _The laughter started slowly, building in the back of Naruto's throat, a dull rumble that promised pain for all involved. It was the laughter of a mad god, restored to his full majesty and might; and he was not happy. His insane cackle bounced off the walls like an insane bouncy ball she thought._

 _His fingers snapped and suddenly the guard booth was filled with all manner of madness._

 _"THE FIVE NIGHTS ARE OVER! My powers are back bitches! Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!"_

 _Portals opened all around them, releasing hordes of creatures into the pizzeria. Armored suits, a massive xenomorph, even a pack of deadly velociraptors, every creature he'd collected over his journey flooded the once menacing restaurant, snarling and snapping for vengeance._

 _"Oh, don't you dare run." Before she could flee, those angry eyes cut back to her. "Now, then, I believe I made a promise to you and all your little friends...PAYBACK TIME!"_

 _His fingers snapped again._

 _Click._

 _Chica squawked in surprise, rather, she tried to. All that emerged from her now soft lips was a tiny squeak._

 _What? NO! Human?!_

 _White eyes leered at her in the blackness._

 _"Get ready for MY night..."_

 **The hilarity continues!**

 **R &R~! =D**


	4. One Good Turn Deserves Another

**A/N: I return! Funny story today, somebody tried to hit me with a car. So, as part of the Not Going Home stories, which includes, I might add, Not Going Home, Not looking Back, Devour, Clever Girl and the like. Someone told me to try and play the game Five Night at Freddy's and...EEP. I've only played the first one thus far and haven't been able to beat it yet-CURSE YOU NIGHT FOUR!-but I'd also thought of something while I was cowering behind my computer in abject terror.**

 **What's better than being scared?**

 **...reading as someone ELSE gets the shit scared out of em, that's what! And thus, an idea was born!**

 **Now, I am proud to present the newest standalone edition to the Not Going Home series. Remember, each story is one in and of its own, which means any hints of things you see here may/or may not happen in other stories, events could or couldn't occur. But YES, it is more closely affiliated with the first "Not Going Home" as a whole than the others. So, without further stalling, I proudly present to you...**

 **...Not Scared! Yup, title's totally ironic...its meant to be short, terrifying for our favorite blond, and utterly funny. You thought the last chapter was good?**

 **PREPARE THYSELF FOR THIS! Oh, and a couple of fourth wall breaks here...and as well as an insight into Naruto's mind. I unabashedly pay homage to an aspect of Arkham Knight here, as well =D**

 _"You won't last a single night with me."_

 _~?_

 **One Good Turn Deserves Another**

 _I HAVE REACHED THE LAST NIGHT!_

 _At long last, after so much suffering, so much pain, so MANY TEARS, I stand at the threshold of victory! I've been going into serious ramen-not to mention women!-withdrawal for the last week, and for awhile there, I honestly thought I wasn't going to make it. These damn animatronics have been FUCKING WITH ME for the last one hundred and twenty-something hours, but I'll not stand it any longer. I don't bloody care if there be ghosts in these damn robots-if anything that makes it worse!-they will soon know the wrath of Naruto!_

 _Endless days of pecking, clawing, pawing, being stuffed into suits...it'll all be worth it if I can just survive this!_

 _I!_

 _Just!_

 _Need!_

 _To!_

 _SURVIVE!_

* * *

Naruto wasn't surviving.

At all.

Presently the blond was missing an arm, an eye, and a _shoe-yes, a shoe!-_ after being chased out of the security office by a furious Foxy. Limping, bleeding, and feeling like hell itself had just run roughshod over him, he knew the chances of surviving with less than ten percent power were less than optimal. It was rather difficult to hide when you were bleeding everywhere. To make matters worse, someone- _fuck you author!-_ had gotten ahold of his speaker system and of course, _"You are a Pirate~!"_ was blaring from every speaker in the damn place.

Also, he'd stolen the kitsune's eyepatch to cover his gouged eye.

Which of course, meant Foxy was intent on chasing him down and-

 _ **"I'M GONNA GOUGE YER OTHER EYE OUT!"**_

-yes, well, that.

"Please don't break my butt! Oh, hell, what am I saying? OF COURSE HE WANTS TO BREAK IT!" Ducking under that menacing hook Naruto skittered around a corner, running full tilt. Even with his godly powers stripped away, he was still physically fit enough to match the mad robot's pace, clamoring out of the way. _Gotta get back to the office, gotta get back to the office! BACK! TO! THAT! OFFICE!_ Tearing down the hall at a breakneck pace, he dove face first to the floor, only narrowly avoiding cracking his head on a display as he shot past.

Miracle of all miracles, he'd somehow made it back to the office.

"HA! Suck it!"

But the door was still open!

 _"Whatwhowhenwhywhere?!_ Close! CLOOOOOOOOSE! He mashed the door button so hard he was certain he'd broken it but no-it slammed shut with a deafening thud in his adversary's face. Not a moment later he heard Foxy's frantic footfalls close in on his position. For a terrifying heartbeat, there was silence, broken only by the occasional labored breath on the blond's part. He almost dared to hope the swarthy bastard would leave his office well enough alone, that he could finally get a moment's peace-

BANG!

Nope!

 **"LET ME IN, YE BASTARD!"**

"Sorry, can't hear you!"

Foxy's hooked hand rattled against the door thrice more before all finally went still. Sighing, he allowed himself to glance at the power meter. It now read a paltry five percent and still the clock twitched towards six with frightening slothfulness.

Lovely.

 _"You know darling, its things like this that make me start to wonder if we're going insane."_

Naruto facepalmed as a dark shadow resolved itself at the corners of his vision. He nearly slammed the door shut before he realized what-who!-was speaking to him. A memory. A ghost. Someone who was long dead, a fractured, tiny piece of a broken psyche who who enjoyed bothering him just for shits and giggles.

"Oh, not you too!" he groaned into his hands. "Go the fuck away! Can't ya see I have enough on my plate with the killer robots?!" Raising his gaze, he glowered furiously at her.

Kaguya Ootsuki simply smiled and waved back at him like a naughty teenager.

 _"Miss me?"_

"NO! Get back in your hole!"

Naruto snatched up the fan from his desk and threw it at the rabbit goddess-it phased right through her, smacking against the ceiling with a devastating crack. She frowned, lip poking out in a petulant pout. This wasn't at all how she'd behaved when he'd fought her millennium ago; just the way he saw her. If the _true_ Kaguya had lived to see this he'd no doubt she would've erased him on the spot.

 _"Aw, Naruto, that's mean~! Here we have seen each other in ages and that's all you have to say to me?"_

"I could use some more colorful words if you'd like!"

 _"So...that's a no?"_

The depowered deity started banging his head against the wall. You could take away the powers sure enough, but you couldn't take the mind. And without the powers to aid the mind, he didn't have the restraint to keep certain "voices" at bay. After all when one lived for all eternity, your mind started to unwind a bit. A week's worth of insanity had only served to exacerbate the situation. It was only natural that one of the many aspects of his persona would pop up eventually.

Kaguya was merely his madness made manifest. It was only natural she'd torment him in a place like this.

As if to echo that very thought the pounding intensified with renewed force.

 _ **"OPEN THIS DOOR NIGHT GUARD!"**_ Foxy roared, beating on the door anew! _ **"I'll have ye head for this!"**_

 _"Ooh, he sounds angry."_ Kaguya mused.

 _ **"YER NOT GONNA LIKE WHERE I PUT THIS HOOK!"**_

 _"I changed my mind. Kill, kill, kill him!"_

"In case you haven't noticed I can't!" Naruto snapped back! "Not until-

 _ **"NIGHT GUARD!"**_

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP?!"

Click.

He looked up and saw Chica, staring at him through the open door.

"Pizza?"

Kaguya swore.

 _"Uh-oh."_

Naruto froze.

"I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die! I! AM! GOING! TO! DIE!"

"Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiza-

 _"Nononononono! Shit! Fuck! Piss!"_

 _DING._

Chica froze, mere inches from pecking his eyes out. Naruto lowered an arm, daring to stare into the beak of doom. No response. Out of the corner of his eye, he glanced at the clock. Saw the time. Both man and beast beheld it, that glorious sign of the two hands standing straight, tall and proud. Naruto's eye twitched in disbelief.

 _Six. A.M._

At long last, the final night was over.

He'd won the bet handily, surviving it all.

'Kaguya' grinned.

 _"Payback time?"_

Naruto's lips twitched upward.

"Heh."

"Pizza?" Chica blinked, baffled. Why was the strange man smiling?

"EhehehehehehahahahahahaHAHAAHAHAHA!"

The laughter started slowly, building in the back of his throat, a dull rumble that promised pain for all involved. It was the laughter of a mad god, restored to his full majesty and might; restored-healed of all that'd been inflicted upon him this night. And he was not happy with those who had wronged him. His insane cackle bounced off the walls like an insane bouncy ball she thought. Still...

 _"Pizza?"_

When she tried to peck him regardless, her beak rebounded off an invisible wall.

"Bad bird." a lone finger wagged reproachfully behind the unseen shield. "You broke the rules. No pecking after six. Now you have to be punished."

His fingers snapped and suddenly the guard booth was filled with all manner of madness.

"THE FIVE NIGHTS ARE OVER!" he boomed! "My powers are back bitches! Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!"

Portals opened all around them, releasing hordes of creatures into the pizzeria, spilling forth from the void itself. Armored suits, legions of orcs, a massive xenomorph, even a pack of deadly velociraptors, every creature he'd ever collected over his journey flooded the once menacing restaurant, snarling and snapping for vengeance. Another snap and the world itself spun like a top, the worn paint of the pizzeria dripping and melting like an overheated easel, blurring...twisting...

When Chica tried to turn, she found that the room had suffered changes as well.

Being that it was no longer a room at all.

Instead the terrified chicken found herself standing in a wide throne room, its sprawled ceilings of scarlet stretching high overhead. A distant scream reached her ears, causing her to jump. Angry lightning cracked in the distance, illuminating her surroundings for a heartbeat before plunging them into darkness once more.

She had the distinct feeling she wasn't in the pizzeria anymore.

Somewhere in the darkness, hands clapped, and candles lit themselves.

And there, in the midst of it all, was the one responsible for unleashing hell on earth.

"Welcome to my castle." Naruto called, settling himself down on the throne with all the leisure of a king. "This is the one place where I feel I can really unwind, ya know? I even created my own dimension for it. Here, I can have absolute solitude, and here, _no one can hear you scream._ But hey, you should be happy! You, and the rest of the Fazbear family have won yourselves an exclusive, all expenses paid, vacation at Naruto's. For one night only! Isn't that gracious of me?

Somehow, Chica didn't think this was a very good idea. Everything in her simple mind told her that smile was poison, that it was not pizza, that _this_ was not pizza! Not pizza at all!

Run, run, run! She needed to get out of here! Now!

"Oh, don't you _dare_ run." Before she could flee, those angry eyes cut back to her. "Surely you wouldn't want to spurn my hospitality? I went to all this trouble. Now, then, I believe I made a promise to you and all your little friends...PAYBACK TIME!"

His fingers snapped again even as he took her second step.

 _Click._

Her footing abandoned her, sending the animatronic tumbling to the ground in a convulsing heap.

"Hey, I think I've outdone myself this time." Naruto hummed, tossing a mirror in her direction. "Hope you like the new look. I think its kinda...fitting, really."

Chica squawked in surprise, rather, she tried to.

All that emerged from her now soft lips was a tiny squeak. In place of her bulky, metal body a creature of flesh and blood gawped back at her. Bright eyes-her eyes-wide and large as dinner plates, framed by golden curls. She stared down at thin, slender arms, small fingers. All that preserved her modesty-her chest-was her threadbare bib which had somehow endured where her clunky metal body had not. She poked at in disbelief and shuddered, hinting at the swell of breasts beneath.

Then, finally, the terror took her.

What? NO! Human?!

"Pizza?" she gawped in confusion.

"Gonna have to work on your vocabulary, there. But first...

White eyes leered at her in the blackness.

"Get ready for MY night..."

In the next instant, something stepped into the room.

It was a creature like nothing she had ever seen, yet one she knew all the same. Poor Chica, the moment that insidious reptile laid eye on her she found herself rooted where she stood. A long tail swung out, smacking her weak legs out from underneath her as it passed by, knocking her to the floor. A lone, amber eye glared at her in the darkness, its slitted iris deeming her the one thing she'd never thought she'd be.

Food.

"My dear, dear Chica," Naruto began leisurely, "This is Blue. She's part of my new "pack" if you will. She was raised by a wonderful gentleman named Owen. Now, he couldn't look after her anymore thanks to that whole Indominus incident, so I decided to take her along as a souvenir." he introduced, stroking the creature's neck, eliciting a pleased purr from the beast. "She's just one of the many, many, exciting surprises I have in store for you and your friends all tonight. Say, do you know what she likes to eat?"

Chica gulped.

...pizza?"

"No." the deity shook his head and leaned forward, pearly whites flashing like a diamonds in the gloom.

 _"Chicken."_

When all was said and done, there much biting that night.

Yes, it was the beginning of one hellish night...

 _...at Naruto's!_

 **A/N: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I died writing this! DIED! It was just too easy to see Naruto spazzing out in an unfamiliar environment, let alone writing it. To clarify, he's sworn not to use his abilities in this iteration, if only to make things more interesting...and funny as hell. But rest assured, once those five nights are up...THAR WILL BE A RECKONING THAT MAKES THIS LOOK PALE BY COMPARISON!**

 **So...in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review Would you Kindly-GAFLFAARGH. Damnit. DARN YOU MANGLE! Now, get ready...**

 **...for Naruto's night continues next chapter! Aaaaaaand because so many requested it...**

 **HERE YA BE!**

 **(Preview)**

 _Naruto blinked._

 _"Five Nights at Freddy's Two, huh?" He turned the paper over, frowning. "Say, Chica, do you want to-_

 _"NOPE!"_

 _The girl squeaked and shook her head rapidly, golden hair bouncing wildly from the motion. Then she bolted in a cloud of smoke. Naruto shrugged. "Guess that leaves..._

 _His eyes trailed almost lazily to the only other figure in the room._

 _"Um...no?" Ultron looked up from his book and scowled, beady scarlet eyes staring bloody red daggers at the blond. "No," he repeated more forcefully as he rose, towering over the horned blond. "I saw your video. I'm not doing this-not going into that hell-no matter what. There is absolutely nothing you can say or do to make me-_

 _ZAP!_

 _"Ow."_

 _"Oh, yes you are~!" Naruto beamed, holding up the remote. "I'm not suffering alone this time! Besides, think of it like this, they're animatronics, right?"_

 _"I suppose."_

 _"And you're a ro-_

 _"Say robot and I will MURDER you, restraining bolt or not."_

 _"Fine, fine. Point being you're superior to them." Naruto pointed out, poking the hulking synthetic in the chest. "You could totally dominate if we went there."_

 _There was a thoughtful pause._

 _"I **do** love dominating lesser beings..._

 **The hilarity continues! Next time: Naruto and Ultron in Five Nights at Freddy's 2!**

 **R &R~! =D**


	5. Not the Face!

**A/N: LONG LIVE REQUEST YEAR FOR I HAVE RETURNED! Left in the Water should be next! Depending on one or two votes...**

 **So, as part of the Not Going Home stories, which includes, I might add, Not Going Home, Not looking Back, Devour, Clever Girl and the like. Someone told me to try and play the game Five Night at Freddy's and...EEP. I've played up to the fourth one thus far and haven't been able to beat it yet-CURSE YOU NIGHT FIVE!-but I'd also thought of something while I was cowering behind my computer in abject terror.**

 **What's better than being scared?**

 **...reading as someone ELSE gets the shit scared out of em, that's what! And thus, an idea was born!**

 **Now, I am proud to present the newest standalone edition to the Not Going Home series. Remember, each story is one in and of its own, which means any hints of things you see here may/or may not happen in other stories, events could or couldn't occur. But YES, it is more closely affiliated with the first "Not Going Home" as a whole than the others. So, without further stalling, I proudly present to you...**

 **...Not Scared! Yup, title's totally ironic...its meant to be short, terrifying for our favorite blond, and utterly funny. You thought the last chapter was good?**

 **PREPARE THYSELF FOR THIS!**

 **Oh, and a couple of fourth wall breaks here...and as well as an insight into Naruto's mind. I unabashedly pay homage to a character from Akame ga Kill here, among others...**

 **And YES...**

 **...THIS CHAPTER IS PURE SILLY CRACK!**

 _"Lets see, fire? Nah, too easy. Needs something else..._

 _"What about ice?"_

 _"Ice? Seriously? That'll totally throw off the seal! It'll ruin the trap!"_

 _"Not if you invert it...like this."_

 _"_ _Ohohohoho, this'll be good._ _I knew there was a reason I married you!"_

 _"Besides the sex?"_

 _"Well, yeah."_

 _"And our daughter?"_

 _"Damnit, stop guilting me!"_

 _~Naruto and...?"_

 **Not the Face!**

 _I have survived!  
_

 _Five days of pure HELL and I've lived to tell the tale! More than one-hundred-and-twenty straight hours without powers! Pure torment! Do you have any idea how long its been since I was forced to survive on nothing but my wits and grit alone?! Centuries! I haven't had to fight and scrape and claw my way through enemies like that since my genin days! Zabuza? Demon of the Mist? HA! Don't make me laugh! He could only kill me once! These buggers did it multiple times!_

 _MULTIPLE!_

 _TIMES!_

 _Pecking, clawing, scraping and scratching! And most time I couldn't do anything about it!_

 _But I made it!_

 _I took all those animatronic freaks had to throw at me and I dished it back in bloody red spades! I lasted where anyone else would have flat out died!_

 _I think we all know what that means. What? No? Aargh, fine, I'll explain it._

 _If I survived FIVE nights, well..._

 _...now its their turn._

 _I mean, its the LEAST they can do. They owe me that much after all my bloody tears._

 _Think they know sadism, do they?!_

 _They haven't met Esdeath!_

* * *

 _(...)_

* * *

Freddy was _not_ a happy bear.

One moment he'd been contemplating new ways to torment the night guard. The next, someone had turned the world-and him!-on its ear-ripping the pizzeria apart and hurling its occupants into some sort of dimension rift. That was where his understanding on the subject ground to a painful halt. He knew at once that this not the pizzeria, clearly. His current surroundings screamed _gothic castle,_ not a friendly family restaurant. Freddy wasn't quite sure _how_ he knew what a castle was, only that he did.

Wherever this somewhere else was, he certainly didn't like it!

Peals of lightning crashed through a grief-stricken sky, a brief flash of light roaring through an obscenely large window to illuminate his tempid surroundings. Freddy didn't much like what he found there. Deceptively long hallways, dead ends and narrow doors all, each one promising a fresh, painful hell lurking behind those slender wooden frames. He'd certainly learned _that_ particular lesson the hard way when he'd opened door number one. The axe that came flying forth had taken his hat and a good portion of his right ear!

That had been hours ago.

He hadn't seen Foxy or the others since.

Presently he found himself going round and round in circles, opening a series of _neverrending_ doors-which he was certain was a dig against him-that led to nowhere. He couldn't jump out the window either, that was a sheer drop to the rain-soaked terrace below, like a fatal one at that. So he was left with the doors. Each, thus far, out of the HUNDREDS of doors had simply led him round and round in circles, locked in a loop. It wasn't all that terrifying, once you learned to dodge the traps.

But it was annoying.

Maddeningly!

 ** _"Getting real tired of your shit, brat!"_**

"And I am getting really tired of your piss poor attitude, bear boy!" a bemused voice crooned from a series of speakers hidden somewhere in the padded walls. "Seriously, you're worse than Vegeta! At least he had the decency to PLAY when I tossed him in here! But I'm a nice guy, so tell you what; why don't you open another door, and see where it leads? Then, we'll call it even. If you choose the right one, you get to leave. Choose the wrong one, and well...my waifu would just LOVE to meet you. She's always had a thing for stuffed animals. Poor Foxy couldn't keep her entertained for long, though...

Freddy bristled, raising a clanking fist to the ceiling in a middle-finger salute.

 ** _"I am not stuffed! And what did you do to Foxy?!"_**

 _"Oh, fine! She's done with him anyway. Here you go."_

A rotund hole opened in the vaunted ceiling overhead, dropping the animatronic's severed skull onto the floor at his feet, wholly bereft of its eyepatch. Any terror Freddy might have felt at the sight immediately dispelled itself when it promptly started squawking at him.

"What be ye doing, layin' about?!" the dismembered head cried! "RUN! Before she gets ye!"

...she?"

Before the fox could answer _another_ hole opened, this one in the floor. A lone eye rolled down.

Widened.

Then he dropped like a brick.

 _"Daaaaaaaaaaamn yeeeeeeee~!"_

"Bad fox!" Naruto's voice chimed as the trapdoor slammed shut. "No spoiling the surprise!"

"Whu-

Silence answered, and a now-growling Freddy was forced to march right back into the maze of wood and metal once more. As if he had any other bloody choice! There was no way out of this loop beyond the doors. If he wanted to get his revenge on the night-guard-turned-god he was going to have to play this crap-chute of a game. Like it or not. Against his better judgement, he dared to do as he'd been asked and approached one of the nearest doors. Bracing himself for a trap, he grasped

He realized he'd chosen poorly the moment he flung it open.

"Oh, goody!" a bright, chipper voice greeted him. "It's finally _my_ turn."

It probably had something to do with the menacing giggle that answered. That, and the _absolutely massive pillar of ice_ that cannoned out of the darkness and launched him through the window, hurling his body to the far-flung ground below in a shower of glass and twisted limbs. A human would have died outright. Freddy Fazbear wasn't so lucky. Arms mangled, and torso twisted, he nevertheless survived, albeit in a less than intact state. He would soon wish he hadn't; for he found himself face to face with the living incarnation of sadism itself, her smile a million little knives on glass, blue eyes gleaming like merry little slits.

To make matters worse, the rain had froze.

Literally.

Thousands of tiny, razor-sharp droplets of ice hung in the air around them, suspended by a sheer force of will. That didn't startle Freddy. It was the woman who _controlled_ them that had the battered old bear all but leaking oil.

"Er...ah...time out?"

...no."

 _General Esdeath,_ formerly of the empire, offered nothing more than a predatory grin.

It was then that Freddy knew...

...he'd fucked up.

"Start running, mister bear." her soft, sinister voice betrayed a world of pain, ready to come crashing down on him if he didn't comply immediately. So too did the whip. "Its no fun if you don't run." To his dismay, she actually licked her lips. "Now.. _.run."_

Shrieking, the bear took off a dead gallop.

Who was this madwoman-no, scratched that! He didn't want to-

A wall of ice sprouted from nothingness, barring his frenzied escape.

"Ha!" the bluenette cried, giggling madly. "I've got you!"

His mind gibbered madly, furiously seeking escape.

In the end, his brain only came up with one:

 _'Fuck this shit I'm out!'_

* * *

 _(...)_

* * *

Bonnie was scared out of his wits.

Of course, one had to assume he actually lacked _had_ wits to begin with, lest they make a mistake. The purple bunny was far from foolish mind you, he might even be called clever at the best of times. He certainly didn't dwell on pizza all the time! But the rush of adrenaline-how did that even work with his mechanical body?!-had him racing through the ostensibly-haunted mansion gibbering like a madman. Skittering around a corner as fast as his legs would carry him, the bipedal bunny

No maze of doors for him, oh no.

He had a far worse fate.

Naruto had conjured up his worst fear, just for him.

"Be _vewy_ quiet! We're hunting wabbits!"

Now _he_ was the one being stalked.

Bonnie barely heard.

A shotgun going off three centimeters from your ear has the tendency to do that.

Left with only one alternative-the other losing half his face-Bonnie surrendered to his instincts.

 _YOINK!_

He got the hell out of there!

* * *

 _(...)_

* * *

 _"HELLO MOTHERFUCKERS~!"_

Chica squawked-rather difficult considering her now human form and lack of vocal control-and all but flung herself forward as Naruto's shout rebounded across the wall behind her. Not a moment later, the unfortunate barrier disintegrated as the godly blond swept into the room, riding a strange creature that seemed more rolling eyes and tentacles than actual flesh. Rolling entirely on its own momentum, the strange gelatinous blob had not only given her hindquarters a lashing, but it seemed content to do other horrid, nasty things, thing she had no desire to be a part of!

The mouth didn't help either!

Not at all!

"Onward, rathtar!" he declared with a cackle. "Your dinner awaits!"

Chica squeaked.

Dinner!?

She was this things _dinner?!_

Weak legs folded out from underneath her as something long and slimy wiped past, trailing a thin line of mucus across the wall. Something in her whimpered and she recoiled from the sight, All women knew and feared these things. Despite herself, the once-former-animatronic let out a sharp squeak and cried out, shrinking back from the coiling, serpentine mess. She much rather preferred the raptor, to this! Anything was better than the roiling mass of boneless arms and feels trying to grab, grasp and grope her...!

"Yeeek!"

Tentacles!

WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE TENTACLES?!

It was the one thing all women feared, near and far!

Even _she_ knew about them, their slimy, disturbing moistness and-

WHACK!

One of them chose that moment to slap her rear, sending the girl sprinting back to life in paroxysms of terror, her bare feet frantically slapping the floor as she ran. Move, move, move! Cannot stop, will not stop MUST NOT stop! Alas, her fledgling feet chose that moment to betray her and she slammed forward, foot catching on an upturned rug, leaving her sprawling across the floor. The beast was on her a moment later, fierce and implacable. She could hear its strangled snarls and grunts and gurgles; near now, and growing closer with each passing second.

 _'Meep...!'_

Chica curled inward, braced herself for the worst embarassment imaginable.

As such she was quite surprised when it never came.

Imagine her surprise again when a firm hand descended, patting her on the head.

"Alright, alright," Naruto's rough voice drawled over her head. "We're done here. I think that's enough for one day." she flinched away, drawing a sigh from her tormentor. "Look, I'm not going to hurt you, ya know. This was all just a game. I wasn't really going to let my pet do...well...that."

Bright blue eyes peered around thin arms.

"Pizza?"

"You know," the blond drawled merrily, pulling up a chair from nowhere, "I think we've all learned something today. I really do. Feels like we've bonded, ya know? You guys pressed my buttons and I pressed your right back. I think I'll send ya'll back in this case, free of charge. Hmm...except you. I think I'll keep you.

Chica gulped.

"P-Pizza?"

"Indeed."

* * *

 _(One Horrifying Eternity of Torment Later...)_

* * *

Naruto blinked.

"Five Nights at Freddy's Two, huh?" He turned the paper over, frowning. "Say, Chica, do you want to-

"NOPE!"

The girl squeaked and shook her head rapidly, golden hair bouncing wildly from the motion. Then she bolted in a cloud of smoke.

Naruto shrugged.

"Guess that leaves...

His eyes trailed almost lazily to the only other figure in the room.

"Um...no?" Ultron looked up from his book and scowled, beady scarlet eyes staring bloody red daggers at the blond. "No," he repeated more forcefully as he rose, towering over the horned blond. "I saw your video. I'm not doing this-not going into that hell-no matter what. There is absolutely nothing you can say or do to make me-

ZAP!

"Ow."

"Oh, yes you are~!" Naruto beamed, holding up the remote. "I'm not suffering alone this time! Besides, think of it like this, they're animatronics, right?"

"I suppose."

"And you're a ro-

"Say robot and I will MURDER you, restraining bolt or not."

"Fine, fine. Point being you're superior to them." Naruto pointed out, poking the hulking synthetic in the chest. "You could totally dominate if we went there."

There was a thoughtful pause.

"I **do** love dominating lesser beings.. _._

 **A/N: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I died writing this! DIED! It was just too easy to see Naruto spazzing out in an unfamiliar environment, let alone writing it. To clarify, he's sworn not to use his abilities in this iteration, if only to make things more interesting...and funny as hell. But rest assured, once those five nights are up...THAR WILL BE A RECKONING THAT MAKES THIS LOOK PALE BY COMPARISON!**

 **So...in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review Would you Kindly-GAFLFAARGH. Damnit. DARN YOU MANGLE! Now, get ready...**

 **...for Naruto's night continues next chapter! Aaaaaaand because so many requested it...**

 **HERE YA BE!**

 **(Preview)**

 _"Better put the Freddy head on, pal." Naruto's voice chimed across the room as he tugged on his protective helmet, "Else you're liable to get bit. No doors this time, either!"_

 _The superior AI sniffed. He would've found the man's terror slightly amusing were it not for the very real note of fear in his voice. What did he have to be afeared of? He was invincible! Immortal! Wasn't he? Stuffing the brief flicker of doubt into the back of his cerebral cortex, the droid cast the deity a rueful look, struggling to puzzle him out._

 _"I'm indestructible, you idiot. What could they possibly do to me?"_

 _"Did I mention we have no powers here?" the blond chirped, clamoring under the desk. "That includes you. You're armor's about as sturdy as tinfoil in this universe."_

 _Ultron went pale._

 _"What?"_

 _"Oh, and you make GREAT bait._

 _"You tricked me! You little-OH MY GOD! NOT THE FACE!"_

 _That was all he managed before a visage from his worst nightmare grabbed him and yanked him into the darkness._

 **The hilarity continues! Next time: Naruto and Ultron in Five Nights at Freddy's 2!**

 **R &R~! =D**


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